


Home is Just a Room Full of my Safest Sounds

by Aerdnanocte



Series: Selkie AU [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Betrayal, Don’t copy to another site, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by cywscross, M/M, Pre-Slash, Selkie AU, UraIchi Prompt Challenge #2, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 00:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17355536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerdnanocte/pseuds/Aerdnanocte
Summary: “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. Everything happened before my eyes, and yet I could hardly believe it happened. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to think that I was so replaceable and forgettable, Urahara.”Or: Ichigo takes the betrayal after the final Getsuga Tensho hard and Urahara Kisuke tries to put back together the pieces he helped shatter.





	Home is Just a Room Full of my Safest Sounds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cywscross](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cywscross/gifts).



Ichigo yearned for the sea. He could hear the waves crashing against rocks, tides raising and falling, seagulls above. He could imagine the salty tang of the air so vividly that he could almost taste it. Back when his mother was still around, the family would take frequent visits to the sea. When she died, those visits turned nonexistent.

 

It’s moments like these when Ichigo wanted it the most.

 

_“We belong to the sea, Ichigo-kun. You and I.”_

 

And he believed it. The itch, the _drive_ , was almost overwhelming.

 

_“See? You must never let it go, Ichigo-kun. Guard and protect it with all you have!”_

 

_“Like one true protector, Kaa-san?”_

 

_Misaki giggled as she retied a red cord around his wrist. “Yes, just like your name, Ichigo-kun. You must never lose this, ok? Promise Kaa-san that you’ll always take good care of it!”_

 

It was at times like these when Ichigo’s willpower wavered, and he wanted nothing more than to pack his bags and go out to sea. He could see it now, water lapping at his skin, sand beneath his feet. He could see himself relaxing on rocks, feeling the sun on his skin.

 

Who’d miss him anyways? He thought he meant more to his friends, and that he himself, Kurosaki Ichigo, meant more. He thought he meant more than just his powers.

 

_“Make lots of friends, ok? Have people you could trust, Ichigo-kun. We...aren't like them, see. But that’s ok! Because true friends, true pod mates, wouldn’t care what you are. They’d love you for you.”_

 

The loss of Zangetsu and Ossan hurt, and he made that choice willingly.

 

_“Losing it is...very painful, Ichigo-kun. Unless it’s to someone you absolutely love and trust. Only if you know that they’d take very good care of it and not let you down, do you give it to them, understand?”_

 

But he didn’t think he’d be giving up his friends too. They take every step around him with precaution, and every word is said with heavy filters. They don’t treat him like a friend. They talk to him like a stranger, not subtle at all with their frantic subject changing at even the smallest hint that he was within vicinity.

 

They act like he isn’t one of them anymore, and in some way, he isn’t. But he didn’t think “them” meant those with powers.

 

Ichigo no longer visited the Shoten either. He’d be stupid and blind not to miss that he wasn’t wanted anymore. Sure, they’d welcome him in whenever he visited, but he didn’t miss how they’d too try to keep the spiritual world away from Ichigo. If he didn’t know better, he’d think they were trying to pretend that it all didn’t exist. They were tense and careful around him, and Ichigo could see that his visits were stressing them out. Urahara hid it the best, but the newfound distance between them hurt. Ichigo stopped visiting the Shoten.

 

Things at home seemingly returned to normal, with goat-face galavanting around, crying to Misaki’s picture. But Ichigo didn’t miss Yuzu and Karin’s worried glances behind his back, eyeing him as if he’d break at the slightest touch. Ichigo wondered what was it that he’s done to make them look at him this way.

 

He also didn’t miss Karin’s visits to the Shoten. They struck a chord with him, and while he was glad that she was finding a way to protect the family and herself now that he couldn’t, he couldn’t help but bitterly wonder if they traded one Kurosaki for another. If Karin ever found herself in a situation where she’d lose her powers (though god forbid that she does), would they toss her aside as well?

 

***

Ichigo doesn’t go to school the next day, and instead heads to for his mother’s grave. He stands still for a moment, staring at the headstone, before sitting down in front of it.

 

“Is this what you would’ve wanted, Kaa-san? Being stuck on land like this?”

 

He could help but think that she deserved to be returned to the sea, but here she was: surrounded by land as her final resting place. If her yearning for the sea was as strong as his was, he couldn’t even fathom how she managed to stay away. Even if she occasionally visited, didn’t she crave the water on her skin and all around her? Didn’t she long for the feeling of ice cold water as she sunk deeper and deeper into the water? _Didn’t she miss the feeling of pushing through the water and feeling the movements in the water through her whiskers?_

 

And did Isshin even know? Was he the one who she gave her pelt to? But he couldn’t have. Surely if he knew, he wouldn’t have avoided the beach like the plague after her death. He would’ve talked to Ichigo about it. He should’ve seen how the loss of almost everything he’s known would’ve propelled his very being into the only thing he had left. He wouldn’t have let him suffer like this, craving the sea like a person suffering withdrawal symptoms. Surely…

 

But he didn’t. He didn’t do anything. Not after mom’s death, not after he became a shinigami, and definitely not after the war.

 

And Ichigo felt betrayed. Excuse after excuse he made for him, but those could only help for so long before he couldn’t even summon the energy to make them anymore.

 

He’s devastated because of mom’s death. _But Ichigo was too._ He’s a normal human. _But he’s not._ He wasn’t here for most of the war so he wouldn’t understand; it can’t be helped. _But he should’ve been. As a father, that’s not an excuse._

 

But it was ok, back when he had Old Man Zangetsu and the others. He didn’t need a father figure anyways. He had plenty of friends (several that were old as hell) that helped him. They were the ones who got him through the war and everything in between.  He had people like Shinji, Getaboshi, and Chad. But now? Their distance left holes in him heart and Isshin’s lack of involvement stung more than ever. There were no more excuses.

Ichigo desperately didn’t want to think so badly about his father here at his mother’s grave. She doesn’t deserve to feel this negativity about the man she loved, but Ichigo’s mind didn’t follow the program as it screamed at the grave, asking just what she saw in him. What did she see in him that was enough to leave the sea for?

 

And a tiny part of him screamed at himself too, because if he didn’t run to that hollow that day, then maybe he wouldn’t be alone right now.

 

But now, there was nothing except for the sea, and Ichigo thought of his own situation. The girls were growing up now. They don’t need him anymore. His friends seemed to have forgotten that they were just that: friends, and most of the Vizards returned to Soul Society after being pardoned after the war.

 

He remembered hearing of that, them going back and all. A part of him was surprised that they returned, but if Soul Society had been their home for centuries, then Ichigo supposed that it made sense.

 

_“The sea is a beautiful place. You wouldn’t believe how everything looks with the sunlight shining through the surface! And… it’s home, you know? Okaa-san’s home. Maybe, one day, it could be yours too. Just as much as Karakura.”_

 

_“Kaa-san! You gotta show me your home then! Why don’t we ever visit when we go to the beach?”_

 

_“Ahh Ichigo-kun. I’m afraid I can no longer reach it. But it’s ok, because I have you and the twins now! I've got a lovely place here, with your father. It’s ok, darling.”_

 

_“Is that also why you don’t put on your pelt anymore?”_

 

 _Misaki smiled softly, but bitterness lined the edges. “I_ _—yes. But you don’t have to worry about me, ok?”_

 

_“You would return to the sea if you could though, right, Kaa-san?”_

 

Could he just...leave, like that?

 

_“But please, don’t ever think that just because I don’t return to the sea, doesn’t mean you couldn’t. Don’t forget that you have a choice, Ichigo-kun!”_

 

When Ichigo got home, he grabbed a duffle bag, and packed up.

 

***

Setting off for the beach didn’t do anything to negate the itch he felt for the sea, but it felt better all the same because _soon_. He left a note for the girls, because if there was anyone he owned an explanation to, it was them.

 

Karakura Town, being in the Western Tokyo suburbs, took a day’s drive to reach the beach. Ichigo decided to take the bullet train, which would be faster than a bus or car, and kept his hood up. He didn’t want people troubling him for his hair, and while unlikely, the thought of someone finding and stopping him from reaching the beach wasn’t impossible.

 

(And maybe, just maybe, if someone actually noticed his absence or departure and cared enough to stop him, he might’ve lost his will to continue.) He quickly stomped that thought out of his mind though, because he wasn’t happy in Karakura, and hadn’t been in a while. This was something he had to do. He didn’t want to return, and he honestly doesn’t think others would want him to either. They would’ve at least talked to him these past months if they desired his company.

 

Upon exiting the train, Ichigo paused for a moment. When was the last time he left Karakura town?

 

The last time was with his mother, he thought, and it was slightly saddening that he was here alone. In the past, he had dreamed of going to the beach with his family, or even his close friends. But now, that all seemed so far away. He shoved those thoughts away and made for the beach.

 

The beach was crowded and filled with the sounds of kids shrieking with laughter. He quickly turned around as he heard the sound of something hitting the sand near him, hands reaching to grab his sword before even fully realizing what had happened. He quickly lowered his hand as he watched a volleyball roll slowly across the sand, stopping near his feet.

 

“Oh hey! Could you pass us the ball?”

 

Ichigo took a deep breath before picking up the volleyball and tossing it over.

 

“Cool, thanks man!”

 

...That’s right. Zangetsu isn’t with him anymore.

 

There was people everywhere. But it was ok, because Ichigo could wait a little longer to put on his pelt. The sound of waves was all he could focus on, and it was a comfort he hadn’t felt in awhile. The salty breeze felt good against his skin, and the water now lapping at his toes was as calming as ever.

 

It’s ok, he thought. He’s ok. And soon, it’ll all be better. It’ll be ok.

 

He waited until night before heading towards the cliffs off to the other side of the beach. It remained relatively empty as everyone prefered the nice, sandy beach as opposed to the rocks surrounded by washed up seaweed. Finding a relatively hidden spot to hide his duffle bag, he took off the red cord for the first time in years, and tugged what was now a shining pelt around his shoulders.

 

***

The Shoten was in an uproar. Kisuke stared, stunned, at the note Yuzu had slammed into his chest. She was a mess of tears and rage, with Karin not far behind. Isshin seemed frozen with shock. But kisuke wasn’t paying attention to them, because Ichigo was gone. He left, with no sign of wanting to return, and Kisuke’s mind ran through the many possibilities of what happened. A voice in the back of his head said that this was a suicide note, but he shoved that thought away because Ichigo was stronger than that. Ichigo wouldn’t do that. ...He wouldn’t.

 

Kisuke is vaguely aware that there were people screaming and accusations being thrown around, but he couldn’t hear them. He couldn’t hear them at all. The sounds blurred and blended together into a huge mess around him, and all he could hear were his own thoughts and heartbeat. He scrambled to his lab almost on autopilot while dodging something being thrown his way, and more or less remembered saying some sentence about starting the search for Ichigo right away. Guilt clawed at his very being, and suddenly, he was in a very familiar place. The guilt, the lab, and the thoughts of _fixing it-making it better-holy shit-doing something anything_ filled his head.

 

He should’ve known better.

 

He should’ve realized.

 

He _shouldn’t have listened to Isshin on leaving Ichigo alone_.

 

But it was too late now and it could possibly mean more blood on his hands.

 

_His fault-it's his fault-oh my god._

 

A part of him realized that this didn’t mean that Ichigo was dead, and that he was jumping to one of the worst possible scenarios, but he also thought of how he was one of the ones who played a major role in bringing Ichigo into the world of the dead. He helped make Ichigo into a weapon against Aizen, and he was partly to blame for Ichigo’s life taking a turn towards unhappiness. This is all his fault.

 

Kisuke’s hands blurred as he brought up the video feeds for the cameras he had set up in Karakura. There wasn’t as much as before, but the ones that existed were placed in the most strategically important places: the Kurosaki household, Ichigo’s high school, and so on.

 

After all, ensuring Ichigo’s safety was important.

 

Scanning all the screens, relief crept back into him as he found the footage of Ichigo leaving his house with a duffle bag in hand. That relief left when he realized that he had no cameras in the direction Ichigo was going.

 

Wherever he was going, was somewhere he doesn’t usually go nor a place of interest. All the paths to places such as the Shoten or the warehouse had cameras on them. That narrowed down the search by just a little bit, but there was still a lot of ground to cover.

 

If Ichigo wasn’t going to the warehouse or any of his friends’ places, then where could he have gone?

_He could be anywhere._

 

He’d have to tell the Vizards about this too, he thought, remembering Shinji’s demand to Isshin that if he wasn’t allowed to visit Ichigo, then they better keep him happy and safe, because god knows he deserved it.

 

Kisuke felt like throwing up.

 

***

It’s been days and Kisuke didn’t know want to think. He’s nothing if not crafty, with his onmitsukido training to back him up, but...

 

All evidence pointed to the coast.

 

Trains, buses, planes, everything. He checked everything. He found the records of Kurosaki-san purchasing a bullet-train ticket, but the trail ended there.

 

And without reiatsu, he was suddenly very hard to trace. Half of the skills in his tracking repertoire where left useless. Hence, Kisuke was at a lost.

 

Why did he head towards the coast?

 

A scary thought popped into his head and--

 

Kisuke jolted out of his thoughts when he heard someone behind him.

 

“So, no luck?” Yoruichi asked leaning against the side of the door.

 

“I...no. I managed to track him to the coast, Yoruichi-san. But I’m afraid I don’t know where he went after that. And...if he stayed at the coast, well. I can’t find any reason why Kurosaki-san would head towards the beach. There’s been nothing to hint towards such an occurrence.”

 

Without reiatsu, he was suddenly very hard to trace and it also took out half of the skills in his tracking repertoire.

 

“Hmm. None?”

 

“Well. The only one I could think of is that Masaki used to take him to the beach a lot back when Kurosaki-san was still a kid,” Kisuke said softly. There was the possibility that Ichigo could’ve gone to the beach in remembrance of Masaki. But Kisuke had reviewed past footage of him as well to see if it could lead to some reason as to why he left. Ichigo visited Masaki’s grave and the river a lot more than he’d’ve liked. He’d stare at the water for hours and Kisuke couldn’t think of any reason otherwise on why he’d do such a thing unless….

 

“So maybe kid went to take a break at the beach. God knows he deserves it, especially with everyone’s behavior lately. And. If he wanted to get away from it all, Ichigo couldn’t have, say, stayed at the coast?”

 

Kisuke swallowed and thought of all the evidence.

 

It wouldn’t be hard for Ichigo to just throw himself into the ocean…No. Stop.

 

“Ah, well that's where my dilemma is at. I figured I should probably head for the coast myself, Yoruichi-san. I had...pondered...if perhapes we were following a false trail, and that Kurosaki-san really did head to some of our initial suspected locations, but…” Kisuke trailed off, voice dwindling down to nothing.

 

He cleared his throat.

 

“I should go check the coast. Just in case,” Kisuke finished, trying to keep his voice light and devoid of any signs of his panic.

 

He’s still pretty sure that Yoruichi saw right through him though, and he gave her a small smile as she simply agreed with him and offered to help watch over the shop. However, the look on her face told him that his smile was more of a grimace.   

 

***

Ichigo indeed did throw himself into the ocean as he enjoyed watching the water get darker the deeper he went into the ocean. He could still miraculously “see” as he got deeper, but it was more his whiskers doing the work than his eyes.

 

This still amazed him every time.

 

He looked up and watched at a few bubbles floated to the surface, and towards the moon shining through the surface of the water. The past few days were filled with many ocean visits, with more time spent as a seal than not. He had chosen this beach because it was frequented by actual seals as well, though it was more so towards the rocky cliff areas. During the times when the sun was out, the seals would sun themselves on the rocks.

 

He’d forgotten how nice those naps he felt.

 

And during the night, he loved seeing the moon reflected off the surface of the water. Perhaps it was melancholy or nostalgia, but it was during these times that he felt the most lonely as well. There were no nearby noises to distract him, and the silence of the night was as calming as it was stifling. It was a sad sort of beautiful.

 

He wished Zangetsu was here to see it as well.

 

He must really be going mad if he missed his hollow’s voice too.

 

Ichigo took a deep dive down into the darkness once again.

 

***

Ichigo had spent the entire night in the sea, unwilling to leave the the safety net that was the water. He hadn’t been able to sleep back at home, with nightmares plaguing him the moment he closed his eyes. But here, at the beach, all his troubles washed away.

 

At least. Most of them did. He still occasionally woke up in terror, but he could now achieve small naps throughout the day.

 

It’s better. Things are getting better and at least here, he didn’t have to care about disturbing his family with his nightmares.  

 

Ichigo waded out of the sea and changed his clothes before putting on the red cord again. His clothes stayed dry underneath his pelt, but he still felt gross wearing the same thing for days. (Granted most of that time it was while he was a seal but as a kid, Masaki had drilled into him personal hygiene: under his pelt doesn’t mean he didn’t wear it.)

 

He went into town.

 

Right away, he could feel the difference. It was incredible, how it felt in the sea. And now that he was back on land, the ache returned and he never realized how much it iched.

 

There was an emptiness that he couldn’t fill, especially after the loss of his Zanpakuto. The ocean didn’t take it away, but it was better. It was the best he had felt in a long time. (But it wasn’t enough.)

 

Ichigo ignored the itch and walked further and further from the water. Instead, he weaved through the people and checked out the stands and the food carts, because here, there was the comfort of knowing that he could return to the water whenever he wants.

 

After a few hours, and a few snacks, he returned to the sea once more.

 

Now that he’s experienced the sea again, he couldn’t leave it. He couldn’t.

***

 

Kisuke searched the town that Ichigo’s train ticket was for, as well as the towns nearby.

 

It was only after combing through them for the nth time did he resign himself to checking the cliffs. (He told himself that it would be fruitless, for after all, Kurosaki Ichigo Wouldn’t Do That.) But step by step, he went closer to the rocks.

 

If there was a body to actually wash up to shore, it’d be there. If he jumped, it’d be there. If he died, the clues would be Right There.

 

But he didn’t want them to be there. He didn’t want to find a body battered against the cliffs. If Ichigo had indeed died, then he almost wished that he’d get the news from Soul Society instead. (Of course, he doesn’t forget nor doubt Ichigo’s ability to stay quiet. He doesn’t forget that there’s a chance he might’ve lost his memories upon arrival to Soul Society among many other possibilities either, but he tries to. It’s not that simple, but he wishes it is.)

 

Plus, chances were, if a body had indeed washed ashore, it would’ve been in the news. He had kept an eye out for that.

 

See, everything is irrelevant because Ichigo isn’t dead. He’s not in Soul Society. He’s not a corpse found by unfortunate beach goers.

 

He ignores how much those sound like excuses. He ignores the voice in the back of his head telling him it’s wishful thinking.

 

***

Kisuke _failed again_.

 

He saw a familiar shape far off in the distance between some rocks and _he fears._

 

The closer he got, the more he thought he was going to throw up. That’s _Ichigo’s_ bag. And if it’s out here… nononononononono.

 

It’s the same duffle bag he saw Kurosaki-san carry in the video footage.

 

It’s Ichigo’s bag and he almost wants to forget he ever saw it and turn away _now_ because why _else_ would it be here in some rocks in some random cliffs on a beach in a random town by the coast but at the same time he wants to run to it because it’s _Ichigo’s_ bag _._

 

It seemed to take forever yet no time at all before he reached the duffle bag stuffed between the rocks. It’s relatively hidden, especially with the outcropping above it as well casting it in shadows. But Kisuke was specifically searching for anything Ichigo related and he’s nothing if not observant.

 

The bag is black in color, and rather nondescript. The patch of land it sat on was dry and rather clean, for some random spot on the beach. No sea creatures seemed to have gotten to it, which wasn’t surprising considering it’s surrounded by jagged rocks. While it was kind of dirty on the bottom, it was still relatively clean. Surprisingly, no bugs have made it their home either.

 

He briefly wondered if Ichigo specifically chose the spot to hide the bag.

 

Kisuke finally stood before it and stared for a moment. He found himself bending down to unzip it, but he felt like an observer watching from the outside while his body was switched to auto. He unzipped the bag, not knowing what to expect.

 

Another letter? Farewells? Nothing?

 

He found clothes. Everyday clothes, Ichigo’s phone, a few personal belongings that he felt he probably shouldn’t be snooping through, and _snacks_.

 

There's _no way_ critters wouldn’t have gotten to the bag in this long period of time if they smelled the food. And it still looked pretty edible too, as if it was only gotten earlier today. He remembered the food stalls he passed when he went through the town earlier.

 

The phone was turned off, but it still had power.

 

The cloths, folded up neatly, didn’t have the deep set creases you’d expect from something sitting in a bag for numerous days.

 

A glimmer of hope settled into Kisuke’s chest for the first time in days.

 

He couldn’t decide if he should circle the area to further search for Ichigo, especially now that there’s a very good chance that he’s _here, and alive_. But at the same time, what if his search lead him away at the wrong time, thus resulting in him missing Ichigo’s return?

 

These were the only leads he had, and while Ichigo is still trackable if he leaves, it would make things harder now that he knows people are searching for him. He stared at the shirt he held in his hand as he tried to remember how exactly was it folded again. Kisuke doesn’t think Ichigo wouldn’t notice that someone had gone through his bag and unfurled all his clothes.

 

If Ichigo doesn’t want to be found, then he’s going to be damn hard to find. Kisuke doesn’t doubt his tenacity and determination.

 

He’s staying, he decided. He circled the area once more, making sure to always keep the bag within view. There weren’t many places to hide if he wanted to stay out of the sight.

 

Kisuke briefly considers resorting to kido or maneuvers from onmitsukido. They could be used to hide himself, or capture Kurosaki-san once he returns.

 

But they’ve already betrayed his trust; _Kisuke has betrayed Kurosaki-san’s trust._

 

Kisuke walks around some seals sunning themselves while taking in the scene again from different angles. He gives up on hiding and sits down besides the bag. If he’s going to try to get Ichigo to trust him, the no hiding.

 

He waits.

 

***

Ichigo thought he was going crazy when he spotted getas miraculously not sinking into the sand moving across his view. Familiar getas. Getas connected to green, blonde, and then a damn ugly (but familiar as heck) bucket hat.

 

 _Getaboshi??_ What would he be doing here, of all places? Ichigo watched as he circled the area once more, hilariously walking right pass Ichigo himself who was taking a nap on a nice flat rock. Ichigo grew more and more alarmed as he watched Urahara slump down next to his duffle bag.

 

He has no idea what he should do.

 

How should he be feeling? Is Urahara here to talk to him? Convince him? Bring him _back_?

 

If so, he’s not ready. He doesn’t want to. The thought of going back brought greater dread that he had thought it would. Unexpectedly, or perhaps just as he once feared, the sea was a drug to him. The call, the comfort...everything, had taken away his will to return. Maybe it was a bad idea, going to sea in the first place. He should’ve known that returning to the sea with nothing to bring him back was going to end up like this. But now, without an anchor to keep him on land, he was drowning in the water. He was drowning fast, and maybe, he didn’t want to be saved.

***

Kurosaki-san never showed up, and Kisuke wasn’t surprised at all. But just because he expected it, doesn’t mean he didn’t fear it happening.

 

Plans and possible outcomes flashed through his brain.

 

He leaned against the rock, and waited.  

***

Urahara Kisuke. Getaboshi.

 

He’s a pervert, manipulative, occasionally creepy, and cryptic as fuck.

 

He’s one of the damn smartest people Ichigo knows.

 

He holds his cards close, and though Urahara has confused him plenty of times in the past, Ichigo thought he was better at reading this man now, but apparently, he wasn’t.

 

Ichigo couldn’t for the life of him figure out why Urahara was still here. And any reason he thought of was either too terrible to even think of, or too unrealistic for it to ever happen.

 

But here they are, days after Urahara first made his appearance, and Ichigo had no idea why. Urahara left for periods of time, of course, but he’d always come back.

***

“Oi. Why are you here?”

 

Kisuke looked up at Ichigo, who stood in front of him with his hands in his pockets wearing the same scowl as always. But there was something else there that was his fault. He didn’t like that guarded look in his eyes, for he didn’t realize when those same eyes changed from guarded suspicion to trust, but now seeing the distrust once again, it hurt him in a way he didn’t think it would. Kisuke had forgotten how much he missed the trust Ichigo had in him until now.

 

It was also weird, seeing him. The sight was as familiar as always and yet it was so foreign and unbelievable. But perhaps that's just Kurosaki Ichigo’s charm: he’s unbelievable, doing things people never expect but yet after it’s done it seems so obvious and natural that it was the right path to take _—_ the right way to go all along.

 

“Kurosaki-san!”

 

Kisuke stood up immediately, dusting himself in the process as he searched for the words to say. He thought it over in his head multiple times throughout the past few days and yet at the moment nothing seemed appropriate.

 

Ichigo narrowed his eyes, scanning Urahara’s face of any signs of why he was here. “Why did you come, Urahara? What game are you playing?”

 

The truth was that Kisuke meant to ask Ichigo to come back. Things were going to be better-- he’d fix it, he really would. Ichigo would get his powers back and all his friends back. His original plan was to slowly convince Ichigo to come home, but now he wasn’t so sure.

 

Maybe it was the way Ichigo stared at him, daring him to lie or hide things from him one more time, but the next thing he knew the truth came flying out of his mouth.

 

It was the wrong thing to say and he knew it, but Ichigo didn’t blow up like he feared and instead paused, studying him.

 

“Give me a reason to return, Urahara. Because right now, I’ve had a taste of feeling as damn near complete as I’m going to get, and I’m not about to let that go.”

 

Kisuke’s eyes widened. “Kurosaki-san…”

 

Ichigo laughed bitterly before continuing, “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. Everything happened before my eyes, and yet I could hardly believe it happened. I _didn’t want_ to believe it. I didn’t want to think that I was so replaceable and forgettable, Urahara.”

 

“I...I’m sorry, Kurosaki-san. I know sorry sounds empty right now, and it probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I truly am.”

 

Ichigo’s scowl deepened and narrowed his eyes further before opening his mouth to speak.

 

Kisuke quickly continued, “I won’t make excuses. There isn’t much else I feel like I could say right now without them sounding like empty words.”

 

He took his hat off and placed it against his chest.

 

“But please understand that we... _I_ ... in no way intended for you to feel that way. We should’ve known better though. _I_ should’ve known better.” He licked his lips and looked down at the floor before looking up again at Ichigo.

 

“Look, I’ve got nothing else to say, Kurosaki-san. Nothing I could say right now would fix my mistakes… Just. I’ve also been working on a way to get you back your powers, Kurosaki-san.”

 

All energy seemed to drain from Ichigo’s body as he stared at Kisuke. At that moment he looked every bit like the betrayed war hero he was, used and tossed away like yesterday’s trash.

 

Kisuke opened his mouth to continue speaking but before he could utter a single word Ichigo’s finger was in front of his mouth, shushing him.

 

“I- no. No, please. Don’t say a single word. Just listen to me, Urahara-san. I’m going to tell you this now: I’m not going back. I can’t return right now-- not after all that. Maybe someday, but not now. I don’t want you to try to convince me either. I don’t want you to mention any of them in front of me right now. Just. don’t. Please don’t.”

 

Kurosaki-san paused, as if gathering his thoughts and Kisuke took this chance to edge his hand up and grab ahold of Kurosaki-san’s hand that was still in front of his mouth before slowly bring it down. He watched carefully at Kurosaki-san’s eyes to see if there was any resistance or such, but nothing happened and he took this as a sign that it was ok to talk.

 

“What do you want then, Kurosaki-san?” Kisuke asked softly.

***

Ichigo wanted his friends back. He wanted his mother back. He wanted _his soul_ back. He wanted what he thought he had, back.

 

He wanted happiness.

 

But he didnt know how to say this to Urahara, or even if he actually wanted to.

 

“I don’t know, Urahara. I don’t know anything anymore.”

 

“Then I’ll stay, Kurosaki-san, if you’d have me. Let me help you figure out what it is you want. It’s the least I can do.”

 

And maybe it was because he was always too quick to trust or too desperate for Someone to talk to, because Ichigo ignored every bit of him that reminded him of this man’s betrayal and nodded.

**Author's Note:**

> Uh. idk rly what im doing but Cross is rly inspirational so i guess this is a thing now. sry idk how to format things and it was rly rushed.


End file.
